Out of This Place — At Warp Speed
Star Date, August 2, 2006.
Armageddon is approaching, and I fear that not even my X10 Home Security System will protect me from the trial of fire about to overcome Earth. Since my naughty ways have not qualified me for a role in the rapture, I feel my only wise move is to enter the starship at Quantum speed to go where no middle-aged female has gone before.
First I must prepare for the vacuum of space as I have never prepared for vacuuming before. I must remember this: there is no one out there who can hear you scream when the vacuum comes across a massive buildup of kitty hair.
Inside the Starship, the captain’s chair is positioned in front of a wide-screen monitor sensing atmospheric conditions at the launch pad. Fortunately my X10 Active Home system allows me to control all systems from the captain’s chair. “Prepare for launch, Scotty,” I yell out rhetorically, as Scotty is nowhere in sight.
After decades of recording the Sci Fi Channel and archiving my entire Star Trek DVD collection, Captain Kirk and Spock can direct my every pre-launch activity. Strangely, there is no interest in the launch from any mainstream media outlet. I take out my journal and my voice recorder to insure that history will document this historic day. Meanwhile, my X10 video sender keeps me current on the latest episode of “As the Stomach Turns.”
My nine-year-old nephew has integrated the command center with the sender and I can duplicate Captain Kirk’s messages even beyond the earth’s atmosphere. Throughout the Federation I will be scrutinized as a unique figure, a person of great knowledge, great wisdom and a great bladder that is ready to explode.
The X10 Vanguard surveillance cameras are a neat touch. Children and their grandchildren will forever witness this scene as the History Channel residuals flow in for my heirs.
The starship pantry is packed full with taste sensations that make you look forward to squeezing a tube. How do they fit that huge pot roast in that little tube? Who cares! It’s delicious!
In my final launch procedure, I straighten my hair, adjust the last bits of makeup and insert four quarters in the massage feature of the captain’s chair. It is a moment to remember…
The countdown proceeds on time.
Slowly, I hear the count:
10
9
8
7- and suddenly the engines stall.
“Honey, what are we having for dinner?
Lunchtime is here. Launch must wait. Armageddon must wait.
There is nothing worse than history interrupted. Perhaps we will have to await another generation?