Time to "Strategerize" About "Wacky" Prices
Another “Wacky Weekend” at X10 has left the Big Guy in a bad mood. It’s not that the Big Guy isn’t charitable – ask any of his employees who received a bite-size Halloween candy bar as a Christmas bonus last year – but selling products at ridiculous prices has taken its toll.
Imagine a decorator XCam for $19.99. Imagine a Video Sender for $34.99. Imagine a 2-camera spycam for $39.99 and a single spy cam for just $19.99!
You obviously have imagined, because these products are selling like mosquito repellent on the Gulf Coast. The stuff is moving by the truckload. Sales have never been as fun!
Still, the Big Guy is upset.
What’s his problem?
It’s time for the second quarter profit and loss report. Apparently the loss in this last quarter is higher than the profit. Times like these require some major “strategerizing” with the accountants.
It is time to create a “new math” of sorts, to look like the company is taking in more than its putting out. But the accountant says the balance sheet is as unbalanced as the “midnight bandit” who set off this rage of price cutting. “Not even my colleagues at Enron could figure this one out!” he says sadly.
“Could we declare ourselves a non-profit?” The Big Guy proposed.
“I think you have to do that from the outset,” the accountant said. “While these numbers definitely demonstrate a non-profit history, the IRS frowns on post-Wacky Weekend declarations.
“Being a nonprofit an interesting concept,” the accountant said. “You could arrange with your employees to revert to volunteer status and have them donate their paychecks to the cause.”
“I’m sure if we started putting in running cold beer in the water fountains it wouldn’t take long for employees to make this sacrifice,” the Big Guy said.
“How about we just double the price of everything?” the accountant said “We could simply depend on the altruistic love of our customers… they’ll just buy our products – at any price – because they love us.”
“I think we’d have a better chance getting the city of Kent to build us a new headquarters,” the Big Guy said. “It works for sports teams – don’t we still have that softball team?”
“You could always reduce sales cost by employing a less-experienced customer support system,” the accountant noted. “Instead of answering customer service calls 24-hours per day, you could merge the call center with a phone-sex system that charges $19.95 per minute of customer care.”
Just then, a young man dashed into the Big Guy’s office, a bit out of breath. “Big Guy!” his breathing was labored now. “They just dropped the price of a Vanguard Camera down to $299!”
“Excuse me,” the Big Guy said. “I have to go back to my place at the freeway entrance and raise some money for my heart medicine… anybody seen my cardboard sign?”