X-Actly

You can be sure Uncle Siegfried was an X10 fan. He bought one of the first generation of black and white hidden cameras to put in his game room during his weekly poker game. He didn’t trust that his pals were on the up and up. While this was probably a normal behavior for suspicious folks like my Uncle Siegfried, apparently, it was only a beginning.

We would not have known about the kind of fun Uncle Siegfried was having if he hadn’t asked that his cobbled work of pride be shown at his memorial service. It wasn’t long after the film began that we learned that Uncle Siegfried was not only suspicious, but he had a weird sense of humor.

As the film opened, there was classy old Aunt Sophie, sticking her index finger right up her nose, picking little gems from her nasal cavity and rubbing the extracts underneath the mahogany dining table. This was a woman who was once humiliated when a single salad fork was on the wrong side of the plate at a family gathering dinner plate.

Aunt Sophie was quickly followed by the very lovely Katie, who took care of Uncle Siegfried in his later years. Katie was shown in the film scratching herself in some odd places, while the focus of the camera showed some interesting angles behind her low cut blouse.

It was at this time that Aunt Sophie had seen enough and walked out of the service.

Meanwhile, Siegfried’s brother, Ralph had his 15 seconds of fame, while he plucked his disgustingly close-up nose hairs on the hidden cameras with a pair of tweezers. With each pluck, he winced as the cameras caught sight of water forming in his eyes.

I recognized the family Thanksgiving dinner where Sister Sally, the nun from the local parish had joined our gathering. I had not, however, noticed the moment Sally had taken out her false teeth and rubbed them clean on her robe.

Siegfried had even added sounds to the action in scene after scene, disgusting noises that are seemingly never heard at public gatherings. It’s just a good thing that Siegfried didn’t have the skill and technology to add smell to the soundtrack.

If only I had known what a skilled cinematographer my good old Uncle Siegfried was, perhaps I would have been more careful in his presence.

From now on, at family gatherings, I think I’ll check for the presence of cameras.